The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold.

The sound of a thousand tap dancers above.
I relied on you.
You promised.
I knew that with you everything would be okay.
Why not this time?
You always come when I need you most.
Why didn't it work this time?

I sat and wondered.
I felt the wind as it grazed my nose, turning red.
Peace overwhelmed and I knew it would all be alright.
The puddles leaped with each new drop.
You came when I needed.
But why didn't you help?

How can it all be pulled out from under you.
A story ending exactly the way it should.
Maybe the pieces of getting there actually are important.
It ended. It should have that way.
The puzzle. The facts. This time were taken into consideration.
As they always should be.
As they need to be, but usually are neglected.

Sheltered from the dancers.
Lightning strikes the sky.
I'm safe. At least from this.
If only
If only
You could save me from myself.


.././...

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

Wow. I can't get enough of this book! It's SO good. Here is a quote I LOVE from it.

"God is busy building a race of men who know how to love. I believe that the fate of the earth itself depends on the progress we make-- and that the time now is very short. As for what we'll find in the next world, here too I believe that what we'll discover there depends on how well we get on with the business of loving, here and now."

Slipping in Water While Icing.

Just some thoughts on a very good book.

With a new perspective comes a new life.

A new way to glance at the same old thing.

To see what good comes out of it.

To see what can be changed.

Knowing it's all viewed, all recorded.

Look at it in that perspective.

That in an instance it could be over.

And we don't exactly know what will happen to us.

But we can decide.

By who we are, what we do, what life we lead.

Who we choose to love unconditionally.

It's all in how one looks at it.

Perspective.

Those who choose to listen, and to obey have a much different outlook than those who chose to not open up.

Choose now.

And truly.

Where your heart is, there will your treasure lie also.
What we choose to focus on here and now, will really always be what we yearn for in this life, or the next.
Whatever our hearts desire. They will always desire.

The heart wants what the heart wants.




But we can choose what that is.

A Bug in My Rio Salad

How Do I always let you get to me?
You don't even mean to, You don't even try.

Maybe I'm just that easily intimidated.
But you, more than anyone make me feel... that weird feeling.
The one where I'm falling and it never ends.
The one where the world isn't real and nothing matters.
The one where I'm not real.
The one where I can't do well at anything.
That you'll always come around and beat me.
When really you never do.
I'm just crazy. I guess.
So maybe I held on to the one thing that I won at.
But I'm not anymore.
I will find my life too.
You can't get to me anymore.

I'm throwing it all away.

..

Bye Bye Birdie.

Have you ever felt really confused?
Like really really confused??
Like you don't know who you are anymore.
And you don't know what you want.
And you don't even know who is reading this.
And out of those people you don't know who cares?
And then you feel like the world isn't real.
Like the next day doesn't matter.
And everything you have once felt... is different
That you are different?
That everything about you is someone who you aren't
Someone that you don't like.
And you just want to find yourself again.
But you can't, because you are in this strange fake world.
And no matter what you try
You can't breath and something is beating down on you.
And two years ago you were not who you are today.
And yesterday you wanted something completely different than you do today?
And that you like to read and watch movies... and lay in the grass.... because you don't have to talk that way?
And that the color of the sky is controlled by a man in a red suit pulling really big switches to whatever color he desires and slightly resembles Santa Claus.
And the bed you're sleeping in is getting smaller and smaller that your arms have to hang off the side?
And once they do, they could be grabbed by anyone.
And that black and brown actually do  go together?
And that... no matter what you do... you've wronged too much to change who you are again?
And that sometimes looking at someone will be enough... but it's not.
And that sometimes you don't know how to tell people something without them getting offended.
And sometimes you can't make room for everyone in your life.... but you try.
While at the same time you feel like you don't actually have anyone?
And you want to do everything. But you can't do everything.
Because you are just you.
And that no matter how many times you brush your teeth you will still have cavities.
And that everything you eat is always whole so it doesn't matter what you try to do.
And that sometimes even the people who you think love you, and the people you love don't need to be around you because you aren't good for them, you don't need to be there, they are fine without you.
And sometimes don't you wish you could be your little self again, pulling in random men who ring the doorbell only wanting to fix your heating, and end up having them show you pictures of their family.
Don't you wish that.
Am I the only one who ever feels like this?
It's a strange feeling.
But... it's one I feel often.

..

When I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

Am I a good investment?
Am I there when you need me most?
Am I someone you would call in the worst disaster possible?
I'm trying to be.
I'm trying to be that person for you.
Just like the words come out...
Never to be drawn back to be consumed back into the mouth,
to be locked inside the cave once again and never remembered...
My actions aren't ever taken back either.
So am I the type of person you cry to. You come to. Who makes you better?
What am I to you?
There. When it's convenient?
When Im happy? When Im silly and fun?
When I can entertain and do exactly what you want?
When I'm ready to obey?
That's what I am to you?
A post. a letter. a tree.
No emotion.
A character in your story. 
To do as you will.
No. No. No.
I will be more than that.
I will be there.
I will have what I do, what I say, be what you need to hear.




Because
                          It isn't about me.




So as I watch your lips move as you talk.
Ill refrain. 
As I cry when you don't get what you want.
Ill refrain.
When I screw up.
Ill refrain.


But it's okay. 
Lay back down
No worries for you.






It's peaceful.
Go to bed.
Sleep for me.




The sun sets for me.
I know it does.
The colors are for me.
Because they know I've earned it.
I know that I've earned it.






But eventually the colors get old.
And I don't love them like I used to.
Even though I still love them.
It's just not the same.
I'm used to them.
Don't feel the spark that I did the first time I saw the beautiful array in the sky.




I still love you.
So please set for me.
Colors set for me.




...

Stay quiet.

I don't want this feeling to go away.

But when Im here it's gone.

I want to go back.

Am I crazy?

I don't feel the same anymore.

That feeling of good of warmth,

come back now, please, come back.

I gaze into the fire.

How much a fire speaks, it's amazing.

Calm down-- it says.

So I do.

Then I listen some more.

I know this feeling.

I love this feeling.

I miss this feeling so much.

You don't bring me this feeling.

It's vanished as I stepped through the doors.

But what a great feeling.

How lucky I am to have felt it.

I love it.

Cold to cold.

No warmth but inside.

Return soon.

All I ask of you.

..

With the Hip Bone connected to the Back Bone.

Sometimes I remind myself.



And sometimes I miss you.



And sometimes I miss me.



And Occasionally I wish I'd never met myself.



And sometimes I do crazy things.



And sometimes I don't do them enough.



And sometimes I wish I had.




And sometimes Im spontaneous.




And every once in a while I don't mind anymore.



And sometimes I get lonely.



On another note.....And sometimes I go to girl's camp.






And sometimes I'm not sure if I'm excited.






But this time I definitely am.


..