We got older, but we're still young.

Let's just say I'm not one of those kids who is quiet in class.
More or less the type teachers end up hating because I tend to have things to say... all the time.
And I have a really loud voice.

In math, first term, I got moved to the front so I wouldn't talk.... then almost moved again.
Again, let's just say I am known for my chatter and get the "Lauren and so and so be quiet" at least 5 times a class from Ms. Partridge.

The classroom desks go like this:


Front of classroom
x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x............... x
x x x x x x x x x............... x

x x x x x x x x................... x

x x x x x x x x


The red "X" is my desk.
Well today Alex Burdge (green desk) was late to class. So as you can see, I was very very alone.
We were learning the unit circle and really? We are in Pre-calculus. She was going about it like "So does anyone know what an angle is called when it is bigger then 90 degrees?"
Everyone of course replies obtuse. (expect Lydia Estes who said "obese.")
And anyway, Ms. Partridge really is one of my favorite teachers, she is wonderful, but in my mind it was all a little... obvious... slow..... something we ALL knew.

So in my head I envisioned me saying "So who doesn't know this raise your hand."
And the the whole class sitting still.
Then me saying. "So who does know this?"
And all hands going up.
Then me: "Alright. Then let's move on."

After I thought of this scene I convinced myself of its clever silliness and started chuckling out loud to myself.
Ms. Partridge said, "Lauren and......and..... who...ever you're talking to. Be quiet."
Then Ms. Partridge looks at Lydia Nielsen and Lyd shrugs, laughs, and says "It wasn't me."

So THEN I laugh even harder because I realize I just got in trouble for laughing to myself. And I have one of those laughing fits that try as hard as you might you cannot get it to stop! And the whole class looks at me like I'm crazy.

I didn't know it was possible to get in trouble for laughing to YOURSELF.


but then again I seem to be the exception to most of the commonly accepted rules.






i.e. see September's post:

"I don't remember you lookin any better. But then again I don't remember you."

Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to.

A day when I'll grow up.
A day when I won't cry.
A day when I'll finally understand.
A day when I believe the truth.
A day when I move ahead of it.
A day when I look to the future not the past.
A day where I except the wait.
A day where I realize it's not right.
A day where I know it might not.
A day where I see through the fog.
A day where I know who you are.
A day where I smile even after pain.
A day when I look at everything I have.
A day where I am me, finally.
A day when I find peace.
A day where I look at my life with joy.
A day where I find hope in music.
A day when I see I'm not what you want.
A day where I'm okay with that.
A day when you're not the first person on my mind.
A day where I give a true smile.
A day when I feel content.
A day that it doesn't hurt so much.
A day that I've stepped forward.
A day where I won't look back.
A day where I realize what you really are.
A day when I demand better.
A day when I am happy.
A day where I don't need you.
A day where I like myself.
A day where the future it bright.




That day is today.

And give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance

Note: all photos taken by me.

This is how I spend Thanksgiving break with my glorious family.

Exhibit A:

Yes. My little sister is adorable already, I am aware. But... get four older sisters together, haircut, styled, make-up, new clothes, and you get.....

Exhibit B:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

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B:

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B:

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B:

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And now just some really pretty pictures of such a pretty girl:

I love you Nikenzie.

I define myself and find my beauty in the light he gives

Thank you for this day.
Because without it I wouldn't be able to cope with the heartbreak of the night.

Heavenly Father gives the strongest children, the ones he trusts most with the hardest trails because he knows they can handle it and that they will come out on top.

He puts the bravest people in the worst situations to create the strongest children imaginable.

Thank you for my trials.

Thank you for trusting me with them.

Thank you for believing in me enough to give me hard times.

Starting now I'll never know your name

It's amazing how fast I lose sight of myself.
Four years ago I was a theater fanatic.
I lived, breathed, and ate the arts.
I'd be rehearsing one show and performing one at the same time.
As one curtain closed I'd be in the mid stages of another, and auditioning for the next.
I went to bed no earlier than 10:30 as a young 12 year old girl.
The stage was my life.

Now, I'm barely getting back into acting and not as heavily as I ever was before.
Watching these amazing shows lately I've been reminded why I loved to perform.
I miss the days spent running lines, learning blocking, and singing away.
I feel like by not acting I've lost a little bit of me.
And however cheesy that sounds it's true.
The stage was always my home and I've been missing it.

I think that's a lot of why I feel empty right now.
I really really want to get back into theater.

No matter how rusty I am :)

I swear when I grow up I won't just buy you a rose, I'll buy you the flower shop and you will never be lonely.

There was a time where you meant everything to me.
I'd come over every weekend and we would have sleepovers and watch movies and play pretend.
You told me all your secrets and we even shared a name.
We would make up dances, go to lagoon, and haunted houses together.
I knew everything about you and we were inseparable.
Nothing went wrong. We just grew apart. And now I know nothing about you.

There was a time when we were best friends.
We would make movies at your house and play with make-up.
I had a creamie for the first time there and I thought we would be friends forever.
You moved away and that was that. We forgot about eachother.


There was a time when you were my first crush.
I wrote you a whole page and a half when you left.
I cried all the way home, and rejoiced when you called me.
We talked for months and months and had plans to see each other again.
It never happened. Life moved on and I don't even know what you like anymore.


There was a time I'd come to your house almost everyday.
We would play Nancy Drew and make movies.
Your mother would make snickerdoodles as we played Mario Kart.
I once accidentally drank some soap through your cool sippy cup.
We would come to my house and dance to Wicked with all our might.
We went to disneyland together because we were just best friends.
Then you stopped talking to me. I cried. And had to move on.


There was a time when I met you in 6th grade.
We endured to horrible rulings of our teacher
And played dodgeball in the dark.
I shared all my secrets with you and we tried to make ice cream once.
It didn't work.
You were my best friend the only one that I had.
And thank you for still being mine today.


There was a time when we would sing to hairspray together.
Talk endlessly about what our firsts kisses would be like and dance in the rain.
We would make music videos together and talk on your porch.
I hope you're okay. I miss the old days,


There was a time when I had 4 pages in my journal about you.
I had the kids, the future, it was all set in stone.
We talked on the phone for SEVEN hours, my personal record.
I always enjoyed being with you as a silly eighth grade girl.
Then we never talked again.


I met you both in Math and English. I thought you were both too cool for me.
I tried so so hard to talk to both of you and was delighted when we all became friends.
Since then there have been too many memories to collect.
With, Stave, buggers in Jonny's hair, and dance galore.
Thank you for being the most important people in my life right now.


There was a time I laughed at your samba.
And you tried a bite of my milk and cereal at school.
When you left on a cruise and I thought I'd never get through it!
When we were both embarrassed in front of all of student council,
and when we watched Harry Potter.
then I acted my age and was dumb. Go figure.


There was a time YOU were my absolute best friend.
We talked at my house for hours when we were supposed to be doing homework.
You loved your music and got me to love it too.
You got me Charlie, and a card I still have.
I never enjoyed someone so much before.
And I'm glad things are getting better again.


There was a time you called me every night.
We would sit outside and try to see if we could pin-point the same star.
We would talk about the future, the end of the world, anything.
You came over all the time and I held a cantalope for a picture.
I asked if you wanted a cup of water like a witch would.
Then things went wrong and I lost my best friend.


There was a time we spent everyday together.
I knew everything about you and we had or Phineas and Ferb love.
We shared secrets at our Christmas sleepover and the next night it came true.
I loved every second with you. And "Another year has gone b----y" didn't quite come true.
I was there when things were hard and you were there for me.
then you had to switch schools and I never see you anymore.


There was a time when you would take me driving in your car.
We would go to Pizza Pie Cafe and watch a movie.
You were always there when I was in a crappy mood and lifted me up.
You've always been a good friend, and you're honestly gorgeous.
I wish I saw you more. I'm glad when I do.


You were everything. And sometimes you still are.
From movies, to parks, to skating, to eating.
Everywhere I go I see us.
We always felt comfortable around each other.
You wrote me a story, and I made you an album of pictures.
We promised we would always be there for each other,
and that we wouldn't like anyone unless they were okay with us being best friends.
We promised over and over again.
"But promises break and lovers will lie. You hold out your hands and let out a sigh"


















I never realized the number of people I've had in and out of my life. Things change. People move on. And slowly they.... forget about us. 

Two Birds on a Wire

It wasn't for me. And that's what is hardest. The fact that I'm a stranger now and you don't care that we don't talk anymore.
It's always been hard for me to assume someone is lying to me. I believe people. Because I try my hardest to see the good in everyone and give them the benefit of the doubt. I believe in people. That everyone is good. So I trust when people tell me things.
But I've been proven wrong, and it's difficult to sort the truth (if there was any) from the lies. The things someone meant (if they meant any of it) from the things they said just to make me feel better.
Don't tell me something just to make me stop crying. Because when you don't follow through it hurts worse.

But I still believe in miracles. And I still believe in fate. I believe in dreams. And I believe in wishes. I believe in society. And I believe in people. People are good. They all are. So I won't give up on them.



Because I've been pushed down this school year.
Thing.
After thing.
After thing.
After thing.
After thing.
After thing.


And it hasn't gotten easier. Everything continues to get worse. But for some reason I'm okay. Because person after person has been there for me. At the exact right time. Just when I needed them. So I believe in people. And if may be so bold, I believe in you.

But you have got no body, so why do you insist on wearing clothes?

Wow. Something is WRONG with me. On weekends when I'm with wonderful friends and enjoying myself I can't stay up past 10:30. I seriously fall asleep no matter where I am.

Then on Sunday I for reals CANNOT keep my eyes open passed 9:10.


Then the next morning I don't have to be at school until 9:30 and my body wakes me up at 7:00.

That is not normal.

I dont want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

Maybe it was healthy. 

And maybe it will be the last of the lasts.

It feels strangely fine to be alone.

I have nothing to go back to.

Nothing to physically remember.

And with the dreams I've been having I question everything.

But I can only decide for myself.

And this takes two people.

So even though I want what I want, I don't get it.

But you do. So please enjoy it all. Don't regret saying no.

But don't expect me to be fine either.

I'm glad things are wonderful for you.

As for my weekend. Wow. It was.... hm. strange?

Springville football game. I really can't fathom that we lost. That we aren't going to state. That was already a bummer, and then I went crazy at Lydia's house. I was so hyper just trying to do anything to not be upset. So I went crazy and spazzed out on her floor and then once my whole body started itching and I got hives I remembered her cat. So I had just rolled around in cat fur and my allergic reaction was no fun. Emily assisted me as I basically cried and then I went and took a shower and changed into lyd's clothes. I was calm after that. And fell asleep for the rest of the night.

As I drove away from my house at 11:00 I parked my car at the Library and just sat there and thought. Thought about my life and how I'd make it work. What I could do to move forward and to move on. I had to muster up the courage to have the strength to let go. And when I finally did it was any thing but courageous. 

Acting Up! the next morning was fun but iffy. I felt so ill that I didn't do much. My audition with Katherine went well and my fitting was quick. So I went home and did my chores, and read the death of me: Huckleberry Finn.

And watched my new addiction: One Tree Hill. Somehow it gives me comfort for my life. It's really strange but it does. Helps me remember that there are other things than what I know right now.

I went to dinner with my family and we ate at Chen's Noodle house. Oh that place is so good. Then I went to Emily's and we headed to Macall's where I waited and waited and waited. Then fell asleep. I headed home and woke up this morning feeling even more sick than yesterday. Yeah for winter? No way.

But this journey, it was worth the fight

As one looked to the other they didn't know what to say.
How could they forget. How could they?

But the how was already over, for the one already had.
And just as the second realized, time was not in hand.

The room with four walls.
White on each side.
Nothing else consumed.
But loneliness was inside.

The second went there and sat.
With nothing else to do.
Tried and tried.
But failed each time.
It was over. That was true.

The one didn't mind at all.
Didn't know, didn't want to.
Played and pranced and danced.
Not wrong.
Still right.


The single problem was: second's only, was only one.