So you're gone and I'm haunted

You don't know what you have until it's gone right?

Well once it's gone it isn't coming back.

So move on.


Or be stuck in the past.

Right?


Or maybe. Someday it will.

If perfect whats you're searching for then just stay the same.

well done curse week. you've outdone yourself this year.

Pictures of people taking pictures of people

Maybe a post per day this week? BECAUSE!!!

Its.......... CURSE WEEK


So. really no. Life is not that bad. It's just a fun little tradition that Emily and I have that started with the worst week of the year in 8th grade. So here it annually is again. The Curse week.

(but don't worry the week after is always FABULOUS so we are happy girls just a week of curses.)




-Waking up and realizing after I started to get ready that it was late start
- Being late to school
-Almost hitting my English Teacher's car
-Almost revealing a secret that should stay that way (mom, I will not tell you what it is)
-Losing my math assignment
-Henry Lee slapping my face (legit slap too)
-Forgetting my math book and calculator
-Not eating anything all day
-The store not having the correct rhinestones
-Freaking out over comp
-Not being ready for comp
-Not hearing from people
-The store across town having all the wrong jewelry
-Not having time to get everything
-The guy at the Chemistry Magic show (yes, that's what my family did for fhe) shushing me as I told my mother the best compliment ever given to me
-uh.... staying up because my body won't sleep
-still being bothered
-Random hurt bleed in my thumb








SO!!! anyway.... now that I tried to list everything bad cause it is Curse Week after all, I will say a few good things so you all know I don't hate life. Because I don't.


-Arrested Development 
-Getting 109% on my math test
-Clinton coming over and talking to me all night....er. doing history homework
-Spotting boy at Chemistry Show
-Having all my homework done for tomorrow




Let CURSE WEEK. continue.

If you could see me, whoever I am.

Wonderful weekend with friends.

I had a wonderful time in Salt Lake.

Macall and Lydia are the greatest.

Haunted houses are theee best.

5 hours  at Incredible Pizza

I ROCK at Deal or No Deal

I love shopping (when I have money to spend)

I'm so nervous/excited to compete next week.

Life is crazy as usual.

Cause he's telling me I'm the girl that he likes mo---ost.

I would think resolving to sitting in a school stairwell bawling would finally knock some sense into you.

Let's try once again.


Bye. Bye.

Let's see how far we've come

At freedom festival Alan told me that I would get 24:00 minutes for the 5k.


My response was NO WAY.


He had an eyelash on his face and I told him to make a wish. 


I said, "But you can't wish that I'll get 24:00 minutes."


After he blew it off I said, "You wished for 23:00, didn't you."


Then he said, "....yeah... (and smiled).....How do you always know what I wish for!"


"Because I know you." I responded back.


The race began and I really didn't want to disappoint him, but I knew 24:00 was way out of my league.


The last race I ran was around 26:00. But I pushed hard anyway.


I'd taken my medicine that morning but forgotten to eat. So my stomach was going crazy.


Catie Nielson ran with Alan and me and sang Pocahontas songs so that I would be able to get through.


The tears ran down my face from the pain I was running in.


About 400 Meteres from the finish I collapsed and started throwing up.


I looked up at the clock and saw it was 23... something.


I got up, ran as hard as I could, and miraculously finished at 23:58. 




Cross country season started and I had my first race. I expected that I could reach this time again.


I'd done it once before after all.


But my first race put me at about a 24:53. 


The races continued to get worse.


25:22..... 25:30...... 25:58.


While everyone else was P.R.ing I was slowly getting worse.


I couldn't dedicate myself like the other girls because of my other activities and it showed.


And each race I was a little more disappointed in myself.




Day of Region.


This morning I almost didn't get out of bed.


I almost decided to sleep through it all because the thought of running was sickening.


But Finally I made myself get up.


I got on my uniform andI drove myself to Scera park.


I decided then and there to change my attitude about the whole thing. And got excited.


As we jogged over to the starting line Mayson said, "Lauren, you have to do good... you haven't even P.Red yet." 


Which, everyone else on the whole team had.


I kept this in mind as I took the race one step at a time.


Lap 1. run run run. Lap 2. run run. faster, Lauren, Faster. Lap 3. Last lap. Kick. It. Now.


I pushed as hard as I could I left everything on that course. 


It's nothing too amazing, but to me, it caused honest sobs of joy after my race.


22:51.

Does he sing to all your music while you dance to "Purple Rain."

 As I've  been talking to countless people about what's been bothering me lately it really took my favorite brother to stick it in my head. As I read a long over-due letter from Darren yesterday it read:


"Your letters lately make me so sad. I know things are stupid but you should still be happy. All the time. You have a Fahter in Heaven who loves you and always will. You have a mom and a dad and you have the rest of your family too. That's really all that matters. Look at Job in the Bible. All his family and friends betrayed him, his body was ravaged by disease, he lost everything he had, but he was still faithful to the lord. And how he'll be with God and his family forever. This life is short. I know it might not seem like it now, but it is. It seems hard to always rely on the Lord and to sacrifice to do what he wants, but by the end you'll think 'man, that was a lot shorter than I thought it would be.' Hang in there. Just always do what you know is right."


And then my day was made better :) I love you Darren.

I should have turned around. I should have looked again.

So. This is a ramble. I need to let out.

First. I love general conference. And today I truly realized how much I love President Monson. I also remembered how much it is my dream to serve a mission and that I will. I really will.

So many of the talks were amazing. And so many were directly what I needed to hear. I am vowing to make my life simpler and set aside time to just think. To hear what the lord wants me to do and then to execute whatever that is.




Second. Playing the board game "Guess Who" Is so much more fun when you use personality traits instead of describing what the person looks like.
i.e.: "does your person look like he spent a little too much time in the Library in high school?" "Yes."
"Does your person look like he would rob a bank?" "No."

I'm just sayin. It is a LOT more fun that way. And much more rewarding.



Third. I am thankful for the night time with best friends. For some reason it seems that the deepest and most spiritual talks with my best friends always happen in the wee hours of the night. I love that I live in a place and have the kind of friends that at our sleep-overs we often times find ourselves immersed in gospel topics. I learn so much from my friends and their views and love the new principals and eye opening experiences I have. Thanks to Emily for exactly this happening last night.

And usually I look like this. Not gonna lie.


Fourth. A few pictures I looked at this weekend and they sparked some memory to me that I haven't thought about in a while. And how much I miss certain people being there, but just because they aren't anymore doesn't mean I'm alone. People just move on and fade in and out of our lives. That doesn't mean I don't miss them and I look back and remember things like....

How much I miss this.

How I used to spend countless weekend with these two.

How this reminds me I used to take ASL.

How I saw this and flash backs flooded into my memory of this trip to Idaho, one of the funnest days I can remember with my best friend at the time.

How Mckann just kinda disappeared out out my life. And I probably shed a tear over it every day.

How in 8th Grade Emily Clark was one of the people I couldn't live without.

How I used to dance standard with Ryan and we used to be best friends.

How I used to see miss Mady Whitehead (who looks like a perfect 30's model) a lot and now I rarely do :(

And how from this.......

To this.... (oh don't mind me and my ballroom hair.......)

We have stayed best friends.




The ONE person I'd have to say has always been there for was Lydia Lorraine Nielsen. So many of the people I looked at in the pictures have helped me at such a critical point in my life, and done so much for me. And there are so many people that have been there so much like my girls Emily, Mays, and Macall, and other people that I don't want to feel left out for not mentioning! (because you've all been there too) but when I looked through my pictures of the past four years of my life I realized who has been there the ENTIRE way. And that's my girl Lyd. She has always been there when I've gone crazy, or needed a house to harbor in, while I couldn't sleep but cried all night instead. She's been there when I needed desperately to tell someone everything about me to, but hadn't ever before. She's been there when I need a good laugh and someone to imagine the crazy with me. She's been there when I needed a temple bud to do baptisms with. She's been there as we've danced together and made division one together screaming, grabbing hands, two years in a row. She's been there when I needed an escape from school and a car to go cry it out in. She's been there when I can't decide silly little things and need another person's input. She's been there when I haven't been there for her. She is the one person that for the past four years I've always been able to go to, or better yet, who comes to me when I need help because she senses that I'm having a bad day. I often think what my life would be if I hadn't ever met her and became friends with her in those 7th grade classes. Whenever I do I just think about what a blessing she is in my life and how lucky I am to have such an amazing example in my life. So many people have helped me so much and I'm grateful for all of you. But Lydia's been the one steady person in my teenage years and I just want to say thank you to her.



Fifth. That whole thing about talking about Lydia... was not planned at all. That was actually very random. But I love that girl SO much. And I really need to shower. So I'm going to do that.

But if I look to my right will I see the one I fight for?

Today it feels the universe is out of Sync and for some reason I feel that I have lost the art of conversation. or more yet. That I never had it.


Oh. And I've officially gone Insane.


That is all.