With or Without You

Maybe you are right. About some things.

It isn't easy to not respond. In fact it takes everything I have not to.

So for a awhile I did. But I think I'd forgotten.

All the sudden I realized. I remembered what you DID.

I could have gone on not knowing forever. You would have never told me.

But I am trying to forgive. At least realize that.

It's not so much I'm trying to be rude to you. It just hurts. To do anything.

I'm not resentful. I don't hate you. I'm just so so so very hurt.

I'm going to get through this. With or without you.

...

At first I think.

Then I think again.

I don't know which one is right.

A day goes by.

A thought trials on.

Yet. Another Sleepless Night.

Maybe a song.

Or some words from the heart

But I know it's too much to ask.

Im caught up in things.

Got ahead of myself.

This tale just can't be unmasked.

So I sit in my chair.

With a daze on my face.

I don't know of a better duet.

So I'll lift up my head,

With the promise from you.

That you won't hold back any regret.

...

Confused.

I guess I understood it wrong,
What I thought was going on.
I thought you'd made it clear to me,
but yet again I'm wrong

I thought I was making it better,
I started giving effort
I assumed it would make you happy,
but it has made nothing better.

The harder I try it seems the more you're hurt,
So I don't understand what you want,
I'm trying to get past it, to move forward,
But that doesn't mean I'm not still hurt.

What do you want?!
Just tell me please.
Be honest, this time around.
Don't worry about me and what I want.

You said you wouldn't, then why does it feel this way?
It feels like you're giving up.
Maybe I was wrong this whole time around,
Maybe it's supposed to end up this way.

I know what I'm trying to say is confusing,
I'm not making much sense at all,
But I guess the only reason I have why is,
You've made me, myself quite confused.

...

Worrying About Others

Today has been better. It has been much much better. I'm becoming happy again. But not on my own. Through everything the church is helping me with. One thing I've realized is that I AM STRONG. I'm not perfect and I slip up and need my time to cool down too, but I'm handling everything well I think. I know how to fix it now. I want to stop thinking about it and fix it by helping others. Today I put a constructive list together of things that I can do when I am bored to become a better person. I know how much I need to strengthen my family relationships and how much I need to reach out to those who need it, who may be calling but no one is answering. My lessons in church today were on how I make people feel, How the atonement blesses lives, how no matter what happened to Joseph he did the right thing, and then good communication and how to trust others. It's amazing how the gospel works. I felt so good at church today. I didn't want to leave and that was a new feeling for me. Everything is going to take so much time and that's the one thing that worries me, but I want to help others and I want to make sure I'm being the best that I can be. I know that i can be happy when I find happiness in the right things. Forgiveness isn't easy, but I know that it is possible. Even if things don't turn out how I want (which it seems no one's life turns out quite how they want, but in the long run it is better for them) I know they will turn out how they are supposed to if I keep becoming a better person.

Not to say any of this is easy. None of it will be. In fact, I know it will one of the hardest things that I have done, but I'm ready to do it. I'm going to get disappointed and discouraged, of course I know that, but that doesn't make things impossible. Everything is possible to get through, and trial will make me a stronger better person. I don't hate anyone and I just want to help. The gospel is such a beautiful thing and I challenge any one whose faith and testimony has been challenged to try to do everything they can to gain a true understanding of the gospel, by studying, living it, and loving it.

The very hardest part will be to make a permanent change. One that last, one that sticks, one that I know is worth changing for. I've wasted so much time already and I'm not going to waste anymore, there are so many other people out there who need comfort, who need to know that it will all be alright. Im fine. Im okay. I don't need people worrying about me anymore because I'm honestly getting through it. I can do hard things, I have done hard things, and I'm ready to do harder things. I'm just so glad I'm finally seeing what I need to do, and who I need to help out. I love everyone who has helped me and the effort that they have put in, but please make room for forgiveness and improvement in your hearts too. I know this has been long, but the crazy thing is, it's not even close to everything I'm thinking right now. Don't give up and strive for courage and to get the best you deserve. If you work hard enough, through truth, honesty, perseverance, faith, effort, and loyalty you can get whatever it is that you want most. Just make sure you're absolutely positive you know what that is.

-me.

More Lyrics :)

Well I have more Lyrics. Hopefully a little better this time. It's amazing what I've gone through in the last 5 days. It has felt like months. I feel like I'm making a little bit of progress. I'm keeping my body more healthy than the past few days, I'm laughing again, and I'm turning over my own new leaf. I'm being honest. Not that I severely lied before, but I need to be more honest to everyone. I'm trying to be a better person. Listening to what I can do to improve myself. Helping connect my family and spend time with them. That's what I'm going to be focusing on for the next little while. But anyway here are my lyrics for today:
FIX YOU BY: COLDPLAY

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


So. I'm going to try. I'm going to try to fix things. It will take a lot of time. I don't know how long, so don't ask. I don't know how, so don't ask that either. Just let me figure it out. On my own. Unless I've asked you to help. But Only a few people will that happen to. I'm going to be fine. At least I've finally realized that. Because for a long time I didn't think that I would be. I didn't think there would be any way to fix it. And maybe there isn't a way to make it ALL better. But it can be improved. And I'm sorry for not helping it move along. I'll try more. I promise. Just, I need time. And I hope I'm at least worth that much.

Here it comes

So, here comes the hard part. Not the Harder part. Just another hard part. Trying to move forward. Trying to move on. I'm sick of people asking me how I am. Just let me be. Let me deal with this how I need to deal with this. I can get through it on my own. After all It happened to me, just me, so I'll overcome it with me, just me. It's just the worst wanting what you know you shouldn't have. What you can't have. Because you would just be setting yourself up to get hurt again. To get hurt worse. So I only have one choice. Keep moving forward. Do the bet that I can. When I'm ready I'll let everyone know. But don't think it's going to happen soon... and don't count on it happening ever. But it will. Ill pull through. Even if the choices I make means giving up everything I thought would be my future and saying goodbye to the world I thought I would live in forever. I don't know yet. I know what I SHOULD do. I know what I need to do to protect myself. But I don't know how to move on. I'll figure it out though. Maybe it's my turn to make mistakes. Or maybe it's my turn to realize I don't need any of that. I DONT KNOW. And im not going to. And im at least sorry for that.

Oh Taylor Swift.

However cheesy, however quirky Taylor Swift really knows how to stick it to those crappy people who seem to love screwing everything good up. Here is a few of her songs that I feel I relate to PERFECTLY.

"Should've Said NO"

"It's strange to think the songs we used to sing,
The smiles, the flowers, everything,
Is gone.
Yesterday I found out about you,
Even now just looking at you,
Feels wrong.
You say, that you'd take it all back,
Given one chance, it was a moment of weakness,
And you said yes

You should've said no,
You should've gone home,
You should have thought twice before you let it all go.
You should've known that word about what you did with her would get back to me.
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind,
Shouldn't be asking myself why,
You shouldn't be begging for forgivness at my feet,
You should've said no,
Baby and you might still have me.

You can see that I've been cryin',
Baby you know all the right things,
To say.
But do you, honestly,
Expect me, to believe,
We could ever be the same.
You say, that the past is the past,
You need one chance, it was a moment of weakness,
And you said yes.

You should've said no,
You should've gone home,
You should have thought twice before you let it all go.
You should've known that word about what you did with her would get back to me.
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind,
Shouldn't be asking myself why,
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet,
You should've said no
Baby and you might still have me..

I can't resist,
Before you go tell me this,
Was it worth it,
Was she worth this?

No, no, no, no.

You should've said no,
You should've gone home,
You should have thought twice before you let it all go.
You should've known that word about what you did with her would get back to me.
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind,
Shouldn't be asking myself why,
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet,
You should've said no,
Baby and you might still have me.."--

So, That song is basically prefect. Oh but Taylor keeps it coming:

WHITE HORSE

"Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on And days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance

I had so many dreams, About you and me
Happy endings Now I know

[Chorus]

Here you are your sitting there
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone somewhere who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappears now
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now--"

Oh but don't worry..... I have one more song to round up this very long Post:

"YOU'RE NOT SORRY"

"All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before"--

No wonder Taylor Wins so many awards. She hits it all right on.

Summer.... only ONE term away.

So today I sent quite the text to my friend about some of the things that I want to do this summer, and here it is:

Go Swimming Check

Get a Job Check

Go on a bike ride Check

see a movie Check

Go shopping check

Have a picnic Checkish

Have a camp fire in the canyon

roast starbursts Check

have a dance party Check

Go star gazing Check

jump on a tramp Check

Go running check

Drink a Pina Colada Check

Play "The bean" Game check

Go boating

Watch fire works check

Go REAL golfing

read 12 books

Play fugitive Check

play kickball

Make Ice cream Check

Meet New People Check

Make a Movie with friends

Have a shaving Cream fightm Fight

Go roller Skating

Learn to skate board

Learn to Drive Stick shift Checkish

watch all the avatar episodes

Bike to Jamba

Dance in the Rain Check

Invent a new food

write a song Check

Take pictures Check

raise money for a new camera

pay for something in just pennies

Go through a drive through on a bike (Which Alan informed me is illegal)

go bowling Check

Eat Wingers check

spend one day playing old mario games

So these are just some of the things that I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm WAY pumped!

Bad Day

So yes. I've had a bad day. Yes... I almost cried about it... but then got home and was perfectly fine. I'm just glad that it is the end of the term because everything else feels so so wrong. I feel so distant from everyone. EVERYONE. I've been really stressed with all the dancing and the school work that I have been trying to put in and I'm just sick of people. For no reason. Its been a rough week. Everything seems... Off. Out of place.

The ONE thing... well person that has kept me in a good mood... or put me into a good mood is my cute little niece, Reese. She honestly is sunshine. She never cries and if she does only for a second. She giggles at everything and always smiles and has fun. I love her kiddy laugh and ability to have fun. She is never worried, never judges, never gets mad at me. she tries to talk and make goat sounds. She is the cutest thing in this whole wide world. She has made coming home every day so much better. I love how pure little kids are. Especially this girl. She is one of a kind, and I Love her very much.

St. Patty's Day!

Well today is the day of GREEN!!! And it also happens so be one of my very best friend's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!!! Along with being able to drive and date...... she is 16! which is just rad in and of itself. So today my green consisted of a froggy clip in my hair. It was the coolest green that you could probably ever have! I think St. Patrick's Day is a little bit over looked. It doesn't seem like many people really even recognize that it is a holiday. I don't think that I had even one teacher acknowledge the fact. Maybe they're not allowed to. Who knows. But end of term Friday!!!! I'm studying a ton!

Busy Busy Week!!!

Well Last week was Crazy!!! Nationals is almost always one of my favorite times of the year. I love to watch people dance and I love to dance. So it works out pretty nicely. After placing 4th for Standard and 5th for Latin Medleys, both in Division I, I felt like it was a hard-earned week. SO... Today I took a little day off with my best friend LYDIA! First we tried to do our math, but oh my! It is so complicated. I don't think we got very much of it done! I can't believe how much I'm Not stressing about the end of term when I deeply need to be! After homework we took a nice little bike ride... I was on the really short bike and Lyd kept saying I looked like a person in a wheelchair bike... and I agreed. I had so much fun and the weather was so great :) cant wait for spring!

Favorite Song

So Im going to Start off my blogging with one of my ALL TIME Favorite songs. It's called Bigger Than Love by My Favorite Highway. It's this random band that I randomly found on Itunes and randomly bought their whole c.d. without knowing who they were, cause I do things like that. So here are their Lyrics:

We've all got scars as big as ours
A token for the pain we hide inside of us
Everyone's scared that somebody knows
You push it aside, yeah that's how it goes
If you've ever heard a beating heart
A rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
Nobody here is perfectly fine
A delicate frame, a fragile design

If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
And its alarming how quickly we forget that

Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
All you need, all you need, all you need is love

Some people change and some just won't
You can't take back the words you wish you'd never said
Promises break and lovers will lie
You hold up your hands and let out a sigh
So smile right before you fall
And lay beside this mess and call it consequence
Somebody said that life isn't fair
When somebody else was saying a prayer

'Cause no-one's taking me out
And nothing's pulling me down
I turn my head to the crowd
This love is big and it's loud
This is a car in the crash
This is the light in the flash
This is the answers you know
But you're just too scared to ask
If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
Somehow it's never enough

Blogging?

Many of my friends have been making blogs... so I thought maybe I would do that same thing. So here it goes my first blog post. I think I'll put pictures on here and stuff. Sounds like something fun to do..yes sounds fun. I will do it :)