I hate myself for loving you

As I'm sitting here in the plane back to Utah the movie is Eat Pray Love. It actually is making me think a lot. Or maybe it's just the feel of silence and turbulence as I pass over a city lit town from the Air, I don't know, but it has got me thinking.

What is it that I put in my life to fill it with reason? I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that this is one of e best vacations I have been on. I loved spending time with my family and I really really enjoyed feeling like I was getting closer to them. When I think of people always there for me, it's always my family. Friends come and go and I miss different people in my life but they are always there. And I really did have such a good time with them.

On Saturday I spent seven hours on set before I shot my one line that took two takes. I fell asleep on top of the library Table in the school. When my eyes shut for the first time it was light outside. When I woke up again the sun had left the sky. I felt like I was in a different world. It was the craziest feeling. But oddly for one small instance it was refreshing to be somewhere other than my own worries. For a moment I was someone I didn't know and might like to meet.

Only fooling myself

I didn't travel with a key this time.
It was nice. It was simple.
The alarm didn't go off at security.

You took my heart away

Today I listened to a playlist that I haven't heard in 5 months.


I love car rides.

Lift up sad-hearted

CHRISTMAS!!!


So! This year for Christmas I seriously got exactly what I wanted. I get one BEAUTIFUL camera BEHOLD!

Done drooling? I know I'm not. But in all seriousness (my new favorite saying) I get the greatest people in my life. for reals. The past couple days I've realized how freakin awesome my friends are. They count as my Christmas present to me this year because they are the greatest gift! (cheesy? well. too bad!)

How is it that I'm lucky enough to seriously have the GREATEST people in my life?
I feel sorry for everyone else, because when it comes to friends I chose better than all of you :)
And you were all fools for choosing me.
Because really?! I don't know how I got so lucky.

FIRST off. I love my Best Friend. I know I've mentioned that before, but SERIOUSLY?! HOW ON FREAKIN EARTH DID I GET SMIDGE AS MY BEST FRIEND?
I really do wonder that at least 4 times a thinkin.

SECOND. off. (?) My bestest girl friends are the best people. EVER. Emily-freakin-Curtis is my FAVORITE person and for reals. THEE best. Macall is the love of everything. She's my best friend too! and Allie larson, Mayson Astle, Shannon Earnshaw, Bethany Radle, and all the girls that seriously make my life! I cant name them all but I love you!

THIRD off. If there were a competition for choosing your guy-friends I would win. ding ding ding hands down! (Meet the Robinsons anyone?) Who else has a crappy day, tells only one person, and later has 6 guys over at her house to cheer her up, two who(m?) brought her hot chocolate and a muffin? These guys are honestly always there for me. They have made my rough times 100 times better. I love them all.

FOURTH off. I really really am not kidding with how much I've noticed how blessed I am with my friends. They are so great. And I win. I literally hit the jack pot.

So MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! And thank you to ALL of you for being my Christmas present this year :)

(Minus that drop-dead-gorgeous camera)

Cause you're shivering cold

People want closure. As human beings we want to settle everything, for loose ends to be tied up, for nothing left unspoken. Dangling strings at the end of novels drive us all mad. Movies always have the lover come back, or the note of the lost one found. They always bring everything full circle. But In life we just don't always get this.

I want closure. I've found that I always feel like things will eventually get resolved or form in the way I've always thought they will. Truth be told, this isn't the case. There are some things that will be left at an abrupt stop. Things that won't ever have a solution, and will forever remain in Limbo. As much as I would love to have the finish on these things in my life sometimes they just won't happen.

I'm trying to learn to be okay with the unknown. To deal with things when they drifted off without every being answered. To be okay with having the "what ifs" and the loose hanging results in my life. Somethings will never be resolved. Some things don't have an answer. Somethings will never get sufficient closure.

And I have to learn to be okay with that.

Eating cheese on toast

I BOOKED THE IHC COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!

looking for:
Ethnically diverse 13-15 year old.
My thinking......(Yeah, right, there is no way, but I haven't auditioned in almost 2 years now.... I should probably go.)

But BOOM! booked it :)

SOOOO happy right now. Can't even express it enough.

LOVE. life.

Running through my dreams

Laughing when you don't want to.

Smiling when you should be frowning.

Loving when there is nothing left.

Giving when you should be taking.

Freezing when you should be warm.

Lasting when you've stayed your welcome.

Shaking when there's nothing there.

Crying at the same old story.

Holding when it's finally right.

Butterflies when you hear that sentence.

Giggles as you fall asleep.

Dreams are once more calm and peaceful.

Stunned by one glimpse in the nighttime.

Chills with every false embrace.

Tongue tied when you should be speaking.

Talking endlessly when silence is required.

Loving time, loving life.

Enjoying this new feeling.

Butterflies every time.

Jar of hearts

I think this song is Beautiful. I heard it driving to Lydia's yesterday and some of the lines that I've underlined, or italicized I think are written so eloquently.
Jar of Hearts
by: Christina Perri




I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?